She gets up in the morning

whataboutthechildren

She gets up in the morning, full of apprehension. There’s so much to do, and only she to do it. If she does it the wrong way, or at the wrong time…she doesn’t even want to consider the consequences.

Her life is full of chaos, despair. She doesn’t want to give into despair, doesn’t want to doubt God. But where is God? That she has to wonder. Her pastor told her to search her own heart, make sure her motives are pleasing to God, and that God would be pleased with her. She wonders if she has done it. She’s tried. Her Bible is underlined and highlighted. Her husband says she’s not submissive enough, that’s she’s lazy and selfish. So daily she searches her Bible to see where she’s failing. If only she could do better, be more, then maybe, just maybe, her husband would be happy with her.

She gets her children ready for church. Serving breakfast, finding lost shoes, combing hair, washing faces, and cleaning up, are her jobs. Always are her jobs, even when her husband is going. But today he isn’t. Last night, there were things he wanted to do. Today he is just too tired. She tries hard to keep the children quiet so he can sleep. If he awakens, things will not go well.

She sits through the service feeling cold, lonely, afraid. Will it go over too long and her husband get angry? Will she fail to get his lunch on time and things escalate? Her pastor is preaching on marriage. She’s done everything he’s preaching on…and more. No matter what, she never measures up to her husband’s ever-increasing demands.

She rushes out of the building. “We don’t have time for you to play,” she tells her crying son. “Hush, we’ve got to get home.” Her husband is up, looking disheveled, scowling, as she walks in the door. Her heart sinks. She sends the children to their room. They start to fuss, wanting lunch. “Please, I’ll be right with you.” But she isn’t. Her husband comes first, demands to come first. He always, always, comes first.

She goes to bed that night, exhausted, crying. The fight came late but it came nonetheless. She justifies that he shoved her. Explains to herself that she was being stubborn. She really shouldn’t do things to set him off. But a small part of her wonders why she’s always the one giving way, always the one who pays the price. She falls asleep alone, with his words of condemnation in her head.

She gets up in the morning, full of apprehension.

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