A message to wives of abusive men

Abusers demand more—far more—than we ought to have to give, they take more than is theirs to take, and they often make poor decisions in their daily lives that have far-reaching consequences for their families. Those of us who are left to pick up the pieces and make sense of the mess are in over our heads before we even begin. I have spent my life trying to fix the unfixable, trying to right unrightable wrongs, and trying to do that which simply can’t be done. And you, dear one, probably have too. It’s time for us to give ourselves a break. It’s time to face up to what we can do–and do it as well as we can. It’s time to accept what we can’t do and let it go. There’s no fixing some things. And, most importantly, it’s time to lay the whole mess in the Lord’s lap and ask Him to take control. In 1 Peter 5: 7, we are commanded to cast all of our cares upon Him because “he careth for you.” We need to do just that.

Sometimes people get themselves in messes that they can’t fix. In order to show us our dependence upon Him, God often presents us with circumstances that are too big for us to handle, and problems that we cannot fix alone. And being married to an abuser simply magnifies everything while presenting its own unique set of exceedingly difficult circumstances. But our circumstances, our problems, our pain, isn’t the end of the story because when we trust the Lord and turn to Him in faith, He steps in to fix things that we can’t possibly fix, to bring about completion, to do that which we ourselves could never—ever—do. This doesn’t mean that our husbands are going to necessarily wake up to what they are doing to us—some have, but they are the exception rather than the rule. It doesn’t mean that God’s just going to transport us out of our circumstances, or that we’ll find a way today, right this minute, to fix all of our problems. But it does mean that God is in control and that He will bring good out of the evil our abusers have committed. Along with Joseph we can say, “But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good….” (Genesis 50: 20).

God will deal with our abusers. He will help us to lean on Him, to be at peace, to trust Him completely, and to grow in holiness. Our joy lies in God, not in man; this is true whether our marriages are 100% perfect or mostly awful. The joy of a Christian rests in Christ—in who He is and what He has done. Things may not resolve when or how we want them to but God never leaves us, never turns His back on us, and He never sides with our abusers (even when they tell us that He is).

God is often the only One that an abused wife has to turn to. The good news is that we really don’t have to have anyone else in order to have all that we need. It’s nice when family or friends are there for us but it’s not absolutely necessary. It is necessary–to our souls as well as to our minds and hearts–to have the Lord there for us. And, if we believe in Him and trust Him, He is there. He’ll always be there.

Abuse has the power to rob us of many things. It has the power to destroy most everything in its path. But with God on our side, we’ll ultimately prevail. There’s a lot that we can do to help ourselves and to change things, dear sisters, even our steps are all tiny baby ones. And it all starts with trusting the Lord.


15 thoughts on “A message to wives of abusive men

  1. This is wonderful, thank you. As a new Christian I am learning this. I’m also learning that family does not always understand, unfortunately. And sometimes they even side with the abuser. And in my case, that was completely devastating. God bless 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Amen!! We have to trust Him!! He has told me that He rescued me from Egypt. So many of us do not even realize that we are in Egypt but we have to trust God no matter where we are and allow Him to lead us.


  3. I trusted Him to lead me out of Egypt….He eventually provided a way of escape….I returned due to the financial situation, fear overwhelmed me… I did not trust Him enough to continue providing after the domestic violence shelter. After returning to the marriage, within a short period of time the abuse began again…again I cried out to Him, again He told me to step out of the boat, to trust Him, to keep my eyes glued on Him. I again returned to the shelter, this time I went through with the spousal support through the courts determined to never return. The abusive husband filed for a divorce, . He did provide, He provided everything I needed in order to survive financially so that I was not tempted to go back to the abuse in order to have health care and a roof over my head and food in my mouth… It is not easy, but I;m not being abused daily anymore, I am thriving again, healed by His love…trust your Creator, the One that loves you so very dearly….

    Liked by 1 person

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