Is this domestic abuse?

Have you ever wondered if what you are going through in your marriage might be domestic abuse? From the inside of abuse, without anything to compare your “normal” to, it’s easy to come to think that the way you are being treated by your mate is normal. If you experience his bad behavior often enough, and couple it with his excuses, it becomes “just the way he is”. You start to overlook an abuser’s behavior or excuse it due to him having “a bad day” or just being “easily angered” or some other such thing. An abuser, of course, always has excuses and he’s quite adept at getting you to accept them. Still, if things are bad enough, if he’s hurt you often enough, you might find yourself wondering if this really is normal or if something might be wrong. What we’re looking for is a pattern of behavior designed to control you, hurt you or render you dependent upon your abuser. With that in mind, here’s some questions to ask yourself to help you to decide if you are being abused:

  • Does he tell you that you cannot go out by yourself?
  • Does he monitor your email, cell phone, your internet usage or your car mileage?
  • Does he control all of the money that comes into the house?
  • Does he prevent you from going to church?
  • Has he ever forced you to give up something you loved because he didn’t approve of it?
  • Does he make fun of things you like?
  • Does he make fun of your family or friends?
  • Does he make fun of your beliefs?
  • Does he tell you that you are stupid or that you aren’t as smart as he is?
  • Does he tell you his (family, taste, friends, style, mind, beliefs, etc.) is superior to yours?
  • Do you have to do what he likes to do, go where he wants to go, believe what he wants you to believe, act like he wants you to act–and nothing else is acceptable?
  • Does your life revolve completely around pleasing him?
  • Are you afraid to anger him?
  • Has he ever terrified you?
  • Do you feel that you are walking on eggshells when you are around him?
  • Are you afraid to be late getting home for fear of punishment?
  • Does he have you on a tight household budget while he spends as he wishes?
  • Does he have money to spend on things he needs or wants while you have little to none to spend on things you yourself need?
  • Does he/the both of you make a decent living and yet your clothes, your car, your home, your furnishings aren’t very nice because he won’t allow you to have nice things?
  • Has he ever prevented you from going to a doctor or from getting medicine when you needed to?
  • Does he consistently make and break promises?
  • Does he lie to you?
  • Does he blow up and then make excuses?
  • Does he twist the teachings of the Bible in order to control you or subjugate you?
  • Does he make you account for every penny spent?
  • Does he tell you that you are a bad wife, or that you are not submissive or obedient enough?
  • Does he tell you that you are a bad mother?
  • Has he threatened to take the children away from you?
  • Does he use the children against you, try to turn them against you or threaten to hurt them if you don’t do what he demands?
  • Has he ever threatened to hurt or kill you, himself, or your children should you ever leave him?
  • Does he throw things when he’s angry?
  • Has he ever punched a hole in the wall or busted through a locked door?
  • Has he forced you to perform degrading sexual acts?
  • Has he ever refused to allow you to wear clothes or not allowed you to wear underclothes?
  • Has he ever forced you to have sexual relations in a place where you shouldn’t be doing so (such as a park, a building, his parent’s bathroom)?
  • Has he ever forced you to undress in the car?
  • Has he ever forced you to walk from the car into your house, sleep, do your chores, or go into your yard unclothed?
  • Does he believe that his rights are more important than your rights?
  • Does he believe that you do not have any rights or tell you that you have no rights?
  • Does he believe that women are somehow less valuable than men?
  • Has he ever punished you “for being a woman”?
  • Does he demand that you give up your rights?
  • Has he destroyed your personal property?
  • Has he lied to others about you?
  • Does he gaslight you?
  • Does he demand that dinner be served “on time” or chores be done to his specifications and yell at you or punish you if you fail?
  • Has he ever hit you–even once?
  • Is he cruel sexually?
  • Does he call you degrading names?
  • Has he isolated you from family and friends?
  • Has he intentionally physically isolated you by moving you to run down houses or remote areas or to areas where you know no one (not your normal moving to a new town/city)?
  • Does he hold you to such strict rules that it is impossible not to fail, and then punish you when you do?
  • Does he yell at you, degrade you, make fun of you, call you a liar, or tell you to shut up in front of your children or others?
  • Does he tell your children or others that you don’t love him, you aren’t a good mother or wife, that you won’t obey him or fail to submit to him or that you are failing as a wife, mother, homemaker, etc.?
  • Has he ever taken money or property that belonged to you and refused to give it back?
  • Has he ever demanded that you change who you are, what you believe, or how you act to prove your love for him or in order to please him?
  • Does he give you the silent treatment?
  • Does he compare your body to that of other women?
  • Does he whip you, paddle you or spank you?
  • Does he practice DD (Domestic Discipline)?
  • Are you at the receiving end of his “jokes”?
  • Has he pressured you or forced you to use drugs or alcohol?
  • Has he pressured you or forced you to view porn?
  • Has he forced you to have sexual relations with someone else while he watched or filmed you?
  • Does he expose himself “accidentally” or otherwise—to your children, to others?
  • Is he jealous of you?
  • Do you feel that you have to make excuses to other people for his behavior?
  • Do you believe that you if you give into his demands that you can help him change?
  • Do you stay with him because you are afraid to leave him?







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