Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife

Gena McCown

bwbbbw

So… I just finished this book.  My head is swirling with all sorts of thoughts.  I’m only hoping I will be able to articulate my thoughts in a way that will make sense.

First, I want to address the subject of abuse in general.  This book appears to point the blame to certain belief sets, traditional/cultural backgrounds.   One thing that I have learned over the years about abuse (of any sort) is that more often than not, it is opportunistic.  The idea that to be abused means you will abuse, or that if you are an abuser means that you were abused… was sold to us on a silver platter.  Which makes it all the harder to understand abuse when it seemingly comes from out of the blue.

From my perspective, it appears to me, that it is not religion that creates abuse but abusers who find themselves a place…

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Weeping with Those Who Weep

Michelle Lesley

weep

I was driving down the road one day last week, if sitting through three red light cycles per intersection due to horrendous traffic could rightfully be called “driving,” that is. Hot and sweaty, filthy, emotionally drained, and exhausted from cleaning and hauling, I was making my way from my best friend’s flooded house to help out at my ninety-five year old grandmother’s flooded house, guilt-stricken that I couldn’t be in both places at once.

And that’s when I heard it.

I was listening to one of my favorite theological podcasts, and when the host began talking about the flooding in Baton Rouge, my ears perked up. He began talking about God’s sovereignty- that, because God always does what is best for believers – for our discipline, growth in holiness, increased dependence on Christ, and the like – that this flood was good for us. He said it kindly, lovingly, and…

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He Did It Once Before…

The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

He did it once before…
and He can do it again.
We just can’t put Him in a box…
thinking miracles have come to an end.

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How do I know my abuser has repented?

You love him. Or, at least, you love the man you once thought he was. He was your husband, your friend. You had good times together. Sometimes.

But often, not.

He’s hurt you. Lied to you. Beaten you down with words or with fists. Been violent sexually. Stolen from you. Picked fights. Given you the silent treatment. Blamed you for things you’ve neither said nor done. And he’s done these things again and again and again.

Sometimes you catch a glimpse of the man you once believed him to be. A turn of the head, a smile, a shared joke, concern that seems genuine; it’s enough to cause you to hope.

But you probably shouldn’t hope. Abusers can change, but most don’t.

He comes to you begging forgiveness. “This time, it will be different. I promise. I’ll do anything. Just please take me back.” He melts your heart. He seems sincere. He’s tried before and failed. There’s just so much on him. You want to believe him so you take him back. And you try harder than ever to understand and to help him. And he fails again. And he hurts you again. And chances are very great that he’ll once again tell you how sorry he is, beg you to take him back, and you will and then he’ll start the whole process over.

Is it possible to know for sure that your abuser has truly repented and isn’t just saying “I’m sorry” in order to get you to feel sorry for him and take him back? There are some ways. If he’s sorry, he’ll change and not just promise that he’ll change. You’ll be able to see it. True repentance is followed up by action. If he’s truly sorry, he won’t push you to accept him back. He’ll give you space. He’ll understand that you are angry and that you have a right to be angry. He’ll realize that he has to win back your trust. He will also realize that winning back your trust might take him a very long time…and that it should. He will take an honest look at himself. He’ll realize that he has hurt you and betrayed you. He’ll start wanting what is best for you rather than what works for him. And if he hasn’t truly repented, he won’t do anything of these things. It will be the same old same old.

What if you’re not sure if he’s sincere? What if want to believe him but wonder if he’s lying again? What are some signs that you look for that will let you know that your zebra isn’t changing his stripes?

He hasn’t repented if…

  • He continues to abuse you.
  • He minimizes the extent or the severity of his abuse.
  • He continues blaming you, or blaming others, for his abusive behavior.
  • He continues to lie to you (even so-called little lies).
  • He tries to manipulate you.
  • He claims that you were abusing him.
  • He says he cannot change if you leave.
  • He says he cannot change without your support and encouragement.
  • You have to continuously push him to get in, or stay in, a treatment program.
  • He promises to start counseling, but then doesn’t.
  • He tells you that you owe it to him to give him another chance.
  • He tries to guilt you into anything.
  • He pushes you to promise to stay, or to come back, if he promises to get into counseling.
  • He plays on your sympathy.
  • He plays on the sympathy of others.
  • He makes excuses.
  • He makes and breaks promises.
  • He tells you that you could make the decision to trust him…if only you wanted to.
  • He steals from you, even once.
  • He pushes you to go to couple’s counseling.
  • He tries to make the children feel bad for him: “Tell Mommy I’m sorry. Tell Mommy I want to come home.”

If your abuser is showing any of these signs, you can be assured that he hasn’t changed. Read the signs carefully. And don’t be fooled. 

Fight or Flight?

Matthew Winters (Comeback Pastor)


I have noticed a major difference in this generation compared to generations past. Previous generations knew what it was like to fight through life’s problems. This generation is quicker to run.

This thought came to mind as I saw another blog post that quoted Psalm 55:6 – “I said, ‘Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest’.” Our natural instinct is to run from life’s problems. The psalmist continues by talking about how he will pray and find deliverance and victory.

When I was facing my divorce, I counseled with another pastor who went through a similar situation. He played devil’s advocate. After a while, he said, “No wonder you don’t know how to fight. You grew up as an only child.” That stuck with me.

What are you going through today? Are you going to tuck your tail and walk away…

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I will not be silenced.

Advice for Victims of Abuse: Use Smart911

The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

If anyone has ever called 911 in an emergency, you know that a series of questions is usually asked before help is dispatched. But a new program is available and is highly recommended for victims of abuse… because the information is provided as a precaution prior to an emergency.

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When She Turned to The Church For Support From Abuse, They Cast Her Out.

From YouTube:
Being a new Christian, Brandie sought out a Christian man as a partner. After several years of sexual assault, psychological and physical abuse by him, she came to find out that he was engaged to her but living with another woman. He persuaded her to stay using biblical manipulation and the abuse only escalated. She went to the church for hep and they turned against her. They embraced her abuser who plays a large part in the worship team at the church and with the youth.

Now Brandie works to help support other women who find themselves in the same situation. Learn more on her blog here:

https://speakout4others.wordpress.com/