A message to my abuser

You’ve told me that you loved me and to “go to hell” with equal passion.
You made me feel beautiful, loved, and cherished, and I had hope for our future; you made me feel stupid, worthless, and so very alone and I had no hope for anything.
So many times you told me that I was suffocating you; when it suited you, you demanded attention even when I was too tired, too sick, too broken, to give it.
You would treat me well when it pleased you and my hopes would soar; you’d get tired of trying and I’d find myself alone, my dreams dying in the dust.
You told others you were glad I was your wife; you told me that I was beneath you in every way possible.
You said I was enough for you but endlessly lusted for other women as you looked at porn.
You say that you are sorry for all of the times, all of the ways, that you hurt me; you “just weren’t thinking” as if that makes everything alright.
You fooled me so many times and believing you, I threw caution to the wind and trusted you; only you hadn’t changed and my heart, and my mind, were broken anew.
I’ve lived so long with the shame of the words you broke me with, with the humiliation of what I let myself endure in order to please you.
How can I see the truth and just ignore it? How can I live if I know who you are but do nothing? How can I stand for anything if I believe your lies?
I can’t do it, not anymore. You’re not the broken little boy you like to pretend you are and I’m not the woman you wish I were.
I refuse to be your doormat ever again.

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