Who is he really?

You’re married to a man who sometimes seems to be the greatest guy in the world. When he wants to, he can be so wonderful. During those times, he’s a loving husband, an involved father, and just an all around great guy. At those times, you just wish that you could stop time and it would last forever. But those times won’t last forever—will they? He won’t remain a loving husband and father because that’s not who he really is. He isn’t really the greatest guy in the world, is he? No, he’s not. Because the greatest guy in the world wouldn’t systematically try to destroy you. He wouldn’t try to hurt you. He wouldn’t lie to you or about you. He wouldn’t be addicted to porn or use it as justification for sexually abusing you. He wouldn’t break your heart again and again and again. And he’d never, ever, do anything that would endanger his children. But your guy does, doesn’t he? All the time.

But maybe he’s not really an abuser; maybe he just hasn’t gotten over the things he went through as a child. Depending on the case, that is possible but it is also doubtful. It’s true that there are some folks who take a long time to heal but it is also true that, even if this were the case, if he loved you, he’d be doing his very best to be a better man, a better husband and father, and he wouldn’t be systematically hurting you and your children. Maybe he wants to do better but hasn’t learned how to yet. You must ask yourself if he is doing everything he can to heal and to grow? Is he actively working on improving himself? Has he stopped abusing you? Is he devoting himself to being a better husband and father? Or is he making excuses for why he’s not farther along in his healing? For why he’s not able to control his temper or his mood? You need to seriously consider these questions, pray over them, and be honest with yourself.

The most important thing to consider when you’re trying to decide if your husband is an abuser and you are a victim of domestic abuse is this: Are you afraid of your husband? If you are afraid of him, something is dreadfully wrong and needs to be addressed immediately. If you are in danger, don’t just continue reading—find a way to leave NOW.

Do you need more convincing or you are just not sure? Ask yourself these questions: Do you walk on eggshells around your husband? Have you changed your beliefs, the way you speak, act, or dress, or what you like or dislike, in order to please him? Do you go out of your way to accommodate him? If you are constantly stressed when you are around your husband, if you believe you must do whatever he says or accommodate his wishes no matter how bizarre, if he gets angry for little or no reason, if you’ll do anything to keep from setting him off, the chances are very, very great that you are in an unhealthy or even a dangerous relationship.

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